Can you find the link between that white-hot livewire, the taut-torsoed wild man of rock, Mr Iggy Pop, and those ponderous old stately home-owners, Pink Floyd?
Phill Jupitus: Blimey! That Carol Smillie’s let herself go a bit, hasn’t she?
Tony Wright: Iggy Pop and Pink Floyd - I know! They’re both alcopops!
Phill Jupitus: The Floyd once sang about “The Wall” - ‘walls’ being the imagery - and Iggy Pop used to drive and ice-cream van?
Tony Wright: ‘Lust for Life’ is actually the name of a film about Vincent Van Gogh, the artist...
Mark Lamarr: That’s right.
Tony Wright: ...and Pink Floyd make you want to chop your ears off.
Mark Lamarr: I’ll give you a point for that because I very much enjoyed it.
Jeff Green: It’s a fix.
Phill Jupitus: No, Jeff, it’s not.
Mark Lamarr: You’re not supposed to say that yet, fatty.
Phill Jupitus: Easy, Grease Boy.
The answer is that they have both won honours from America’s National Association of Brick Distributors. Iggy received his prestigious trophy for services to the brick industry following the release of his “Brick by brick” album, while the Floyd got theirs of the video to their 1979 #1 “Another brick in the wall”.
When Iggy received his award, his words of acceptance were: “If we had more bricks, there’d probably be world peace by now...” In July 1990, Pink Floyd’s Roger Waters performed “The Wall” in front of 200,000 fans in West Berlin. During the concert, seventeen people were shot trying to escape into East Germany.
Can you find the link between gorgeous, pouting composer Andrew Lloyd Webber, and bleached, transatlantic destroyer-of-motorbikes, Mr Billy Idol?
Arthur Smith: You say Billy Idol had a motorbike accident? Well Andrew Lloyd Webber looks like he’s had one. I know – Lloyd Webber used to write with Tim Rice, and Billy Idol looks like Tinned Rice
Mark Lamarr: The bloke’s name wasn’t ‘Tinned Rice’
Arthur Smith: When I met him, he was introduced to me as…
Mark Lamarr: ‘Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tinned Rice’.
Arthur Smith: …as ‘This is Tinned Rice. By Ambrosia.’
Mark Lamarr: Is that his wife? Ann Brosia?
Jimmy Constable: Andrew Lloyd Webber is associated with the theatre, white make-up, and Billy Idol is associated with white powder?
Sean Hughes: Jimmy! You’re four years of age – what would you know about drugs?
Arthur Smith: He’s better looking than you are though, Sean.
Mark Lamarr: Oh, that’s narrowed it down, hasn’t it?
Arthur Smith: See, look – Billy Idol was a smackhead, and Andrew Lloyd Webber, well, you want to smack his head, don’t you?
Sean Hughes: You know the way ladies used to go for Clive Dunn? They don’t go anymore, they go for Arthur.
Mark Lamarr: Has no-one ever said you were unattractive before, Sean? You’ve taken this really badly, haven’t you?
Sean Hughes: Yeah, but only from Arthur, though. If Jimmy said, “I’m better looking than you,” I’d say, “Fair enough!” But him!
Arthur Smith: I think there’s some odd sexual connotation at work here. I think Lloyd Webber was married to Sarah Brightman…
Sean Hughes: And he was the looker in that marriage. I think I can say that I’m better looking than her. Anyway, Sarah Brightman was in Hot Gossip, and I’d say Billy Idol also married someone in Hot Gossip. They both married crap dancers.
The answer is that they both have, at some time or other, married members of dodgy seventies dance troupe Hot Gossip. Lloyd Webber was, of course, hitched for many years to Sarah Brightman, who is better looking than Sean. Billy Idol’s less-than-white wedding was with dancer Perri Lister.
In 1994 there were protests when the cover of Rolling Stone featured Billy Idol’s arse – however, most of the protestors thought it was Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Face.
A three way connection. What do you think the link is between tuneful Icelandic puffin-eating loon, Björk, tuneless but lovely punk has-been Toyah Wilcox and… er, tone-deaf, Jackanory presenter and sometimes comic Sean Hughes?
Louise Nurding: I don’t really know him. What’s he done?
Jeff Green: Is it three things you think of during sex when you want to delay it?
Sean Hughes: I’m so glad you’re thinking about me in bed, Jeff. That’s lovely.
Phill Jupitus: Ok. Björk went out with Goldie, the drum and bass producer, Toyah might have had a dalliance with him earlier in her career, while Sean has had sex with Goldie, the Blue Peter Dog.
Sean Hughes: Well, not full sex. It was only a blowjob, for Christ’s sake…
Phill Jupitus: You got into some heavy petting with her though, didn’t you?
Sean Hughes: It’s a she???
Jeff Green: Is it that they’ve all got rare blood groups, and in an accident have to get blood off badgers?
Sean Hughes: I can’t talk for the others, but that’s certainly the case with me.
Louise Nurding: There was a big thing with Björk recently when someone posted a bomb through her door, and that.
Phill Jupitus: Is it nutty, stalky fans, Mark?
All three have been plagued by stalkers. In 1996 Björk was terrorised by a deranged American pest-controller, while a year or so later, Toyah received a series of disturbing messages from two obsessive German fans.
Sean, too, was recently harassed for five months with letters from an unwanted female admirer. They all said “Dear Mr Hughes, thank you for sending us you novel. Unfortunately, we are unable…” etc., etc.
